11.20.09

good morning lovies!
this morning for breakfast i had multi grain oats cooked in hemp milk and water, pumpkin pie spice and ginger, truvia, and a few dried mission figs chopped, and a banana, 1 tbsp almond butter, and flax.

simple and perfect!
LovE!

yay, its Friday :) almost Thanksgiving,..we are going to my aunts house in NJ..and i am going to eat, my mom is suggesting me and e to bring a few platters of our vegetarian food,
for the family too,
that will be easy to eat and be comfortable.
etc..so i can eat, and feel "normal" and make my family happy to see this...bc every time in the past few years i havent ate at family events and its so upsetting for them to see the way i look, and then not eating,..
but this time it will be different! show myself i can eat outside of my home, and be a part of the family, not sit in my aunts room and isolate while watching TV, depressing...that was 2 years ago..a few days before IP admission, so sad.

yesterday went ok. i studied as i said i was going to!...blah, and then went to whole foods ;) funfun..i was feeling quite motivated and happy the whole day. it was a good day.
but then yesterday night i was bored, i had a "grand idea" after noticing i could make videos on my computer :/ i thought..."why don't i make a video, slide show of 'my story' in pics, before and after. sick emaciated photos, with a song and all...NOT a good idea! (wouldn't post or show to anyone)..i tried to make it motivating and uplifting with pics of 'Maya healthy beautiful' and sick pics. to see how bad it really is. and now my ed is thinking of all those sick photos i have from the past few months...it made me so so sad, i cried. triggering to myself. to see how i deteriorated in 2 months..just so sad. and made me want to get healthy again..but then ed was enticing me with saying "look how "good" you looked/look"
oK,
it was a bad idea? to make it?
i think...but it could help me maybe to see what my anorexia did to me. and the fact
that I started crying,
i don't know if it was tears of sadness from how sad, depressed, lifeless and bad i looked, after being so lively only 2 months prior..
or was it tears
that i am moving away from my ED.
..maybe both..
well...sorry this is kinda not an uplifting post. but its on my mind.

..ohh yeah i had therapy, yesterday morning. It was great! i really like her a lot, i think this therapist is one of the only T i have ever liked, haha..besides my therapist when we did the Moudsley program way back...but my current therapist, i just have been getting a lot out of it, and i don't leave the appointment upset or anything like i have in the past with others...i don't know.. she is just really understanding and so nice and relaxed. so i am happy.
well on Monday i asked my doctor
"what weight should i be aiming for, to maintain?
( i knew the answer. but i wanted to see what she would say.)
and she said that scary # that i never get to or have never been.
the ideal for my height i guess, about 18.5 b.m.i. and i told my T that i cant do that, its too scary, i am supposed to be small, i have always had small bones etc.etc..that number just scares me..i am far from it..and its just so scary to think of. but she said to take it one day at a time and she will talk to my doctor about it..my Ed was so happy..
'she is going to convince the doctor that i should be 10 lbs less than that!"
yes..ed was thrilled!
Maya was thrilled...but still that safe "weigh", still scared me. but then again, its a lot better than where i was and where i am now. so one day at a time i suppose and i will see how i feel.
but lets say hypothetically i stopped gaining mid way, i feel like it would be so easy to get back down to the danger danger zone..and then i would be no good to go off to school and everything i want to do..
so i must keep care of myself...
HOLD on!
i must stay present!
i am not there yet,
and there is no use in dreading or hypothesizing a future outcome of my recovery.
I need to stay in the present moment.

“Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life.”

anywhoo...i should probs study more for the ACTS..as it wasn't the best study session yest. lol..:P last year the SATS, omg i dont even know what i got, i am too stupid to even read the score jk..lol..well. last year at that time, i was eating, but over-exercising was consuming me and i was on a slow downward spiral, but maybe now that i am eating a lot and gaining and nourishing my body more, perhaps i will do better, who knows..pray for me :P lol..ugh.
well its just a test. :)

on to some eats for yesterday!
i dont take a pic of everything i eat duh...but i am contimplating what i should be doing with my food posting on here..i dont know, i guess just highlights? challeges etc..idk?
well..

before therapy i had some Refresh peppermint tea, this choc. coconut rawbar...so good! chewy and ah, i love these bars! and an apple in the car on the way too.

*lunch no pic..but it was a pistachio butter and pumpkin butter sammie(great combo!). warm apple cider and some veggies on the side.*

@ whole foods i had this Voskos greek yogurt, in honey vanilla bean..it was amazing. had real vanilla beans in it, u could see the specks! loved it. also had
a green tea with agave and skim milk. mmm.
while mom ate her carrot ginger soup for lunch :)

came home and had mid afternoon snack.
i was in the mood for oats, duh, i am always hehe..so i had 1/3 cup oat bran with rice milk poured over, dried cranberries and 1/2 a banana and a mix of coconut flakes and sliced almonds. yum. topped it with some ginger granola after the pic.
(i realized i needed more cals ha..it was soo good!)
i am going to turn into that Quaker oat man lol..

i know at the moment, food is my medicine in a way, but i cant wait until i can eat not by a clock, not my a cal target, just intuitively healthy and the way i want. but for now, i suppose it is what is needed. and i am o.k. with that. i want to make my body stronger and give it
nourishment that it deserves.

dinner was amaze, i had, ww couscous, with a lime tahini "dressing" i made. zucchini, bell pepper, collard greens, tofu and prunes chopped. spiced with cumin,
turmeric, cinnamon, and ginger.

*after dinner snack, no pic. but same as eliza..hehe.
so if you care to see what i had, see on her blog. :P
i am a weirdo. :)


all in all! a good day yesterday,
and i plan on today being even better!

have a great Friday all!
love!

xo
maya

11.19.09

Morning lovies! today for breakfast i had dried pear ginger walnut oatmeal, old fashioned oatmeal cooked in unsweetened vanilla hemp milk, water, spaced with cardamom, ginger, and a pinch of pumpkin pie spice, dried pear(!)
(which i soaked in warm water for a bit)
and 1/2 a banana whipped in, topped it with chopped walnuts and some crystallized ginger..and a mug of Starbucks Xmas blend black coffee!
this coffee is so good!
.this was such a yummy bowl oatmeal!

loVed the dried pear!
so amaze.

well, yesterday i finally upped my calories to 2500! it was so hard, because i knew i gained a bit on 2350ish, so ED was screaming that it wasn't needed. but i knew that getting my intake up to there was the right thing to do for my body. and i am not going to let ed try to make me have to justify it in my mind because I know it is what my body needs. As i have said, i am so scared to gain and loose my body, that ed feels safe in, scared to move away from the weight that ed feels safe at.. but i have to remind myself that those STUPID numbers do not define Maya, they don't mean anything, i am not a label and i am not a number, and i am so much more than anorexia...and i must try to find things that make me feel safe and special,
the way being xx weight makes me feel.
why do i need to hold on to a child like sick frame to make me feel okay? i don't know...i remember for the longest time when i was little always being afraid that my mom wont come back, or that i would be locked in a bathroom, or an elevators doors wouldn't open..always scared to talk, or scared to raise my hand in class. Eliza and i were just known as the 'sweet tiny little cute twins' and then years later known and refereed to as "those anorexic twins"...
and i never felt noticed or like i was good enough. or i had enough, or i would be cared for..
fear of abandonment and longed for more structure.
and then i learned that loosing weight, controlling my food, 'shaping my body' in to 'nothing, would put all these fears, all these anxieties, and all theses insecurities to sleep. that little voice in my head saying "don't eat, then nothing else matters!" ...i don't have to think about anything except my ED when i am in it...no school, no obligations, except to do what i know best, loose weight, and then be in an environment that i feel cared for [like a child]
and gain weight, be sick, and be cared for...
but little did i know,
that it would take over my life and become my persona, Maya, would be lost. and forgotten...anorexia, would take her place.
i find myself not being able to think or talk about much other than food or weight, or IP experiences, because that has consumed me for so long. even before i was "diagnosed" i lived with it 24/7 with Eliza by my side!
all a way of prolonging my development. ed has jiped me, in my life and all that
i could have been by now!
BUT each day ever since the summer ended, my recovery round who knows
how many times!(?)!!) began..
i have felt like each day i am getting stronger, and coming into myself. but i have so much of a ways to go, in many aspects...but yesterday seeing that i was able to reach my cal goal.
even though my ED thoughts were so loud and i felt so scared...i still did it with a load of challenges, sure, i could eat my calories in a better way, more condensed high cal foods, MORE salt:/ etcetc...but i have so much hope and a good feeling that all those food issues and sh*t will be accomplished sooner than later, there is no stopping me, to get my goals done. all it takes is one day of doing something scary and for me the next day is a piece of cake ;)

i know i need to gain, gain a lot in life, not just weight..
and i so do NOT want to live at home forever, leaving this environment,
i have been in so long, where i have so many memories of ED rituals, etc..
i just want to get away..and that in my mind always motivated me, and gives me
that natural reward...
to look froward to! something intangible,
long lasting, and fulfilling, to look to!


"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!" -Audrey Hepburn
(fave quote!)
(no such word as impossible in my vocab ;)

on to some eats from yesterday...

cocoa mole larabar and i had a piece of burnt toast(the way i like it ;)

lunch i was so so cold! it was freezing out, so i had a bowl of savory oatmeal :)
multi grain oatmeal, kambocha, spinach, white onion, cumin, curry, chile, ginger and 1/4 cup pistachios.

snack time i had oikios plain greek yogurt, some cinnamon, with a banana chopped, 1 tbsp almond butter, and some super fruit jam from Trader joes, and flax. also had some Kashi autumn wheat biscuit cereal on the side..( this felt like a breakfast that one would eat, but i know that snacks like these are what are needed)

*diner was random..but so good. indian basati rice medley mix from TJ(can u tell we went to Trader Joes yest. and probs like 4 days before, lol...)
*Dear Mr. Trader Joe...you can adopt me? i live in your home practically!* jk.
lol... well it was this rice mix with a bunch of things...i cant remember, lol...but it was so good, i think Eliza has a pic of the dinner.

MAPLE GINGER SNAP CIAO BELLA GEALTO!! and some tj plain froyo mix..
omg yummm this gelato, i died ;) so good!!
topped with chocolate covered ginger(from TJ..my fave!) omg this gelato is AMinzing has ginger snap cookie pieces in it! i am in love.
i remember around the holidays when i was 15, pre-ed, when i took fashion illustration class at FIT every Saturday, Eliza and i would take the train home around 4:00, and there is a Ciao Bella stand in Grand Central Station...and i would get gelato almost every Saturday :) i remember getting such cool yummy flavors, such nice memories. and last night this was such a challenge even though i had 1/4 cup, but i don't know why i was so scared to let myself have a whole 1/2 cup! and i even felt safer adding cals with the dark chocolate on top...so silly! ugh..but next
time it will be 1 whole serving!
at the end of the day, i was so relived i did it...and surprised that i was able to...it was hard, and i tend to have to add things here and there, because i don't plan and i get trapped in ed making some decisions, but i think adding more dense high cal foods, would be good. but that would include upping sodium obviously, most foods have salt duhh..i must accept this and just tell my anorexia to shut it, because i cant deny my body this vital nutrient any longer.


well, off to therapy! in an hour.

and then i think i am going to go to Starbucks and study for the ACTS. ugh. :P well, anywhoo!
have a great Thursday, almost Friday!

lovelove love.!

xo
maya

11.18.09

good morning loves! this morning for breakfast i re-created one of Maggie's oatmeal creations! as i said on my fall survey, that i wanted to make!
so i did, and it was amazing! Maggie, is a genus ;)
i had her apple cider pumpkin oat bran.
in my bowl i have, oat bran, made with water and added in slowly as it was cooking about 1/4 a cup apple cider. pumpkin pie spice, a cooked apple(in micro) added 1/3 cup pumpkin puree, 2 tbsp of raisins and topped with walnuts and pecans. i loved it! the apple-cider flavor and all the spices from the juice and the spices i added, it tasted like autumn in a bowl!

i love apple cider, i have such fond memories of getting it at the FM in park slope, when i was little, and i used to love the caramel apple cider from Starbucks(with whip! ;)..omg that is so good! hehe...
and cooking oats in juice is amazing!
.love.
(my pumpkin oats never look orange? lol..always yellow or more golden...maybe 1/2 cup p-kin next time...but still , it was an amazing oatmeal breekie ;)

well, yesterday, i was dreading my daily weigh in and check up with my doctor...i
went, and got weighted and all my vitals etc...my blood pressure was really low, and my doctor was concerned with this. as the nurse was taking my BP she said that it was that of a small 4 year old child. i suppose considering my low sodium diet and my low weight.. a BP of 85/55 is understandable...
but it hasn't improved at all with the weight i have gained in the past 2 months. and this has made me think more about the dangers of my sodium intake or lack there of sodium intake :/ i really need to stop this! and just go for it, no thought, just start now. its getting ridiculous. i say it over and over, on the blog and in my life, that i am going to increase up to at least 500 and then more etc...but nope! each day goes by and instead of having like yogurt with sodium at night i go for fruit and nut butter with no salt...ed just finds a way!
and I really HOPE NO girl or anyone out there reading this is triggered or influenced by this. i am going to tell you all that there is NO point of limiting your salt unless you have very high BP! its just a way that my ED is holding on to something so he still has control over me...
and a way of making me sicker as i get healthier.

well, i weighed in, on my scale this morning after 5 days of about a 200 increase and i have gained, blahh,,,;/
which now ed is in a panic.
but i looked at myself yesterday(we went to the mall for a little bit and mom bought me a few new tops) :)
well..
i was alarmed that i still looked sick. it was confusing..ed was telling me..

"there is no way you are seeing it right Maya, you not sick anymore!"

but i stood there in front of the changing room mirror and was in utter shock, thinking

"could this be right? ---am i seeing the reality that i am still ill looking, is this what everyone else sees!?

WELL duh Maya you are still under weight
hello!
reality CHECK....!
13 lbs up from that extremely low weigh i was,
is not that significant i am still in a danger zone, and i am just out of the 14 bmi's
whooppp! :P looking at that as a good thing?i think soo(!)...take that ed!
one step closer to being free and able to just Liveee!

well anywhoo, thinking back to this summer, and the dreadful horrid feeling i have around it, the feeling that i wouldn't wake up, the next morning..hoplessness..and just a horrid nightmare.
i am getting a sense of pride that i am able to do this at home as i am, after such a hard relapse. pulling myself up with the help of my mom and team (and Eliza.) and coming to this point, i should be proud. i don't think many realize that it is possible to recover at home. even though medically, i should have been hospitalized a.s.a.p in September, considering everything.

but i need to keep going, and remember the point of this is to gain weight!
i am eating to gain..
i have to just remember that when i think of my weight and my body..
.i want to be strong, and able to walk around the city, and not feel weak..be able to stay up late, go out, and not collapse in bed at 8-ish...!
just expand my life. the thing is...i want to reach my goal weight sooner than later, it would be a good idea to have a load of time before the summer..so i can adjust, maintain, be more comfortable in my 'new body'...
i have only maintained a weight above 17.5 bmi for a total of 5-6 months in the last 3 years of my life! and 3 of those months where spent in intensive
outpatient treatment day program(renfrew NJ)

well anyways, point being, i really have never had the chance to adjust, maintain, and learn who Maya is with out anorexia.i have never stayed at a healthy weight long enough for my hair to grow and get strong the way it was pre ed. in a way my ed is sabotaging me from even knowing that i am beautiful with health, because i always think.."i am so ___ at a healthy weight, if i had nice long hair i would be prettier" but that is only because i never give my body enough time to maintain a good weigh for everything to kick in!
i just Hope my hair starts to grow :( its still falling out
( so ALarming each morning, as i combed it today,
i almost started crying...)

i just must accept this weight gain. and moving closer to a healthy place.
i need to tackle a lot of food fears, control issues, and coping mechanisms,
to ensure relapse prevention..i just hope and pray that when i reach my goal weigh, i will be able to maintain it and just focus on LIFE and not food,body, numbers etc... 24/7..
.just have a sense of normalcy and just feel free,
and i know i will, i know it!

“Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for

what you could become.”

“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.”

i have such a hard time with change,
i cant deal with it well. no matter the circumstances..it is so scary to me...
But it is so important to think of change as we go through life and recovery, as a good thing! we need to embrace the fear, and as we embrace fear it challenges us to confront head on, to move beyond the destructive control of unhealthy fear that ED instills in our mind.

a few eats from yesterday.

ginger snap Larabar..yum, so amaze!Lunch was so good, a wrap stuffed with kambocha and tahini+cinnamon, wilted alfalfa sprouts and grilled it up!
had a huge pink lady apple before lunch and then later had an other apple dipped in
the best sweet potato butter ever!snack time i had,
an oikos plain yo, with bear naked fruit and nut granola
( got an individual pack for 25 cents!)
and a medley of dried fruits, mulberries, dried bloobs, mission figs! yum.

dinner was an indian inspired fall pumpkin polenta,

polenta, pumpkin 1/4 cup, with baby spinach, chickpeas, brussel sprouts, curry, tandori spice, ginger. and 1 tbsp pumpkin seeds and golden raisin studded.
so good!

An oatmeal raisin Divvis cookie (amazing!) and

a few prunes in a mug(?) i am so random.. lol...
with the most amazing new find, chocolate covered sunflower seeds!

so today i am going to paint!!. after a lil shopping trip...we are in dire need of nuts :) boy, we go through all our almonds so fast!
and No appointments today :) thank goodness, but tmw i have therapy.


well have a great Wednesday everyone!
xo
maya